For years – I mean literally, years – I never had a general doctor. Because, I was never sick. No, really ~ like, never. Sure, I had the occasional cold, maybe the flu. Once, I had a wart, and another time, I had a patch of itchy skin just above my ankle that was biopsied and then diagnosed as: chronically itchy skin. I put some creams on it, and tried to forget about it. Otherwise, though, I was just never sick.

The irony of this is that, for as healthy as I was, I was always convinced that any little ache or pain that came along must be cancer. A headache? Brain tumor! A pain in the chest? Lung cancer! Abdominal pain? Ovarian cancer! I don’t know if there is a term for paranoid people like me, but I was convinced that Cancer, was out to get me. And I mean Me, personally. Fast forward twenty-something years: I have never had cancer, of any kind. I am, however, a black belt, in excessive and unnecessary worry.

But recently, I turned 40, and my whole medical world turned upside down.

***

While the specter of the “C word” has (thankfully!) never materialized, I ushered in my 40th year with a case of pneumonia. I celebrated the momentous event with a marvelous cocktail of antibiotics and a big whiff of Advair, all followed by a CT scan. Believe me, nothing says good times quite like hacking up a lung at your own birthday dinner party.

Anyway, since then, I have (by virtue of necessity) secured a GP, and, let’s just say, one thing has led to another, and suddenly, I kind of feel like I should be on a first name basis with this doctor. We’re like old friends already; we’ve even exchanged recipes! But seriously, I have had more doctor appointments in the last couple of years than I have had in all the forty years leading up to this point. Nothing life threatening (as of yet!), but still, enough things to be exasperating. (See? I still worry!).
Here’s the thing, though: when I was 20-something, it was easy to dismiss my anxiety as being a bit ridiculous. But now, now that I’m older…..well, who knows? A headache and some dizziness? Well….maybe we should do an MRI, just to be safe. A pain in your abdomen? Hmmn…maybe we should check for ovarian cysts. A high reading on your blood pressure? Well…it may not just be “white coat syndrome.” Maybe we should monitor that. A lump in your throat? Well, given your history, you’re at almost zero risk for any kind of cancer or tumor…. but maybe we should do an ultrasound of your thyroid, you know, just in case. 

Gone are the days when the consideration of a “problem” was easily dismissed….gone are the days of waving away my irrationality because the probability of my fear was so ludicrous. I’m over 40 now. And as I creep ever closer to my expiration date, those “possibilities” become more likely “probabilities,” and I’m really not liking it.

At all. 

 ***

I had a doctor appointment this morning (for what I hope will be a relatively minor thing) (see? I still worry! in all likelihood, needlessly!), but which has subsequently led to two separate outpatient procedures. I also just made an appointment for my annual Ob/Gyn visit, which will inevitably result in the order for the annual mammogram (now that I’m over 40…..ugh), and Oh. My. God. I am simply sick of doctors and diagnostics!!!

Wait; what I really mean is: I am sick to death of possibility turned probability. And, I am really sick of not having PERFECT health, because the thing is, I don’t really know how to be sick. I have never had a broken bone, a chronic condition, or an acute illness, and the anxiety over all the possibilities of things looming out there (now that I’m over 40) is making me a little nutty. Shouldn’t your induction into middle age be more of a gradual thing….a few aches, some minor pains….maybe, throwing out your back? An inability to sit cross-legged on the floor for more than 10 minutes? Shouldn’t this be more of a slow and gradual process, where one is gently ramped up to the more serious medical issues, instead of the full-on assault that it actually feels like?

Wait – is that, in fact, what I am actually experiencing? Is this the slow ramping up for what is yet to come?

Oh God.

***

I know, I could be going to the doctor for something really serious and sinister, and believe me, I’m totally thankful that’s not the case. All the same, middle age is really pissing me off right now, and I’m thinking that, an apple a day? Total bullshit. As for me, I’m buying by the bushel.  Because once you’re over 40, you obviously need all the help you can get.

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